I have come to a different place in my life, a place of reevaluation. I am going to have to withdraw from school for now because I am simply not able to keep up the pace at this point in my life. I have asked the school to be able to try again next fall. We’ll see. I was afraid to check my email to see their response. I am simply unable to go there. I feel a little emotionally bankrupt. I feel as if I have failed my own expectations. Feelings are not sinful; they just are kind of a barometer. I feel exhausted inside from being stretched too thin for too long.There are dozens of places willing to take my money to complete my BSN next fall, if they do not want me back. This is just the cheapest accredited one. Still, you would think that I could look at it, but no, right now, I can’t.
Also, since I am reevaluating things, I changed churches to a local church in my neighborhood. This has really decreased the amount of spiritual frustration in my life. I will not be elaborating on that point. I will sum it up to say that my former church and I grew apart from one another and parted friends. I tried to work things out, and they were honest and kind, but we are headed in different directions.
Additionally, my husband’s stay in the hospital caused me to reevaluate my own health. It was time to admit that I am obese, and I am tired of it. I have not been able to lose the weight on my own. I rejoined Weight Watchers today. I have 75.2 pounds to lose in order to reach my goal weight. WW has completely changed since the last time I attended, and I love the changes. It is flexible and has multiple meetings not far from my home. I have felt hypocritical for some time because I am an overweight, out-of-shape nurse. If you cannot see the contradiction in that then you are not much of a critical thinker. I was encouraged by the success that my SIL has had with Medifast. She is making amazing progress. (I did not want to spend the money on that program, although it is a great one, and WW has worked for me in the past. I just need to do the math, so to speak and stay motivated.)
Today is my first day, and it is a day off from work. I have been counting the caloric cost of products in my home and cleaning out cabinets, getting ready to be accountable for what I put in my mouth. I admit that I was more than a little shocked at some of my former choices. I just did not take the time to reflect on what I was doing to myself. Weight Watchers is not fast, but it will work long term if I stick with it. I have no idea how long it will take to lose the weight, but I am considering keeping track of what I put in my mouth a normal part of my life, like balancing my checkbook. It is not something extra; it is now the norm to keep track and stay within parameters. Initially the biggest switch is planning my meals ahead so I can budget for what is most important. Healthy eating is not going to just happen to me; I have to be responsible for it daily.
Somehow I need to learn how to do that in other areas as well. The great thing about coming to the place of feeling like a failure is that I am also finally willing to concede that in order for things to be different, I must make changes. Looking back, I think that I set the bar of personal expectation in an unrealistic place. I am still figuring this out. As a Christian, I find this is more difficult than it looks at first glance. If I should do something, some project,some commitment, does God look at me as a failure if I fail to meet expectations? How do I think about how God thinks of me? I think that I have assigned motives to God that were false and expectations to God which were of my own making. It certainly did not feel like an easy yoke or a light burden. It felt like I was dying under the load. That does not mesh with what I say that I believe about God.
Two very powerful words that are helping me today are “now” and “no.” I have known that I was obese for a long time, but I always told myself that I would take care of it tomorrow or next week. The very best thing is telling myself that I am taking care of it now, today, and I can say, “no,” to anything just as well as, “yes.” No one forced me to eat all of that food; it was completely my decision then, and it is completely my decision now. I love those words. May I learn to use them well.