Christmas Is Yucky

I was feeling really low this afternoon.  It’s Christmas, and my mom is dying.  She has moved into a hospice facility and is stable, but she is on her way out of this world.

My dog is really, really old, and we thought he was going to die last Sunday.  I won’t go into the awful details of either one of these.

I am tired from working and going to school and studying for finals.  I have three big tests in the next two weeks.  That means if I do anything when I am not at work that remotely looks like fun, then I feel guilty that I am not studying.  The honest truth about school right now is that my head is not in the game.

I have time off and a ticket to go see my mom before the end of the month. I hope she lasts that long and that I can avoid blizzards that traditionally come at this time of year.

There are lots of things that I can be thankful for right now, but the truth is that I feel very disconnected.  All of this is going on, and until this evening, I had not shed a single tear.  I was just carrying it around.  I got the news that my mom was moved to a hospice facility while I was on my lunch break at work.  Instead of having time to react, I had to calls I had to make.  Then I had to go back to work.  And apologized for using my phone as I walked down the hall to my unit.

Tonight while I was making supper, I could not get the song, Somewhere Over The Rainbow out of my head.  I hate the Wizard of Oz movie.  I despise it, but I could not get that song out of my head.  It made me realize how very unhappy that I was, recognizing emotions that I had been stuffing.  I went down in the basement and cried.  How very American of me.  I cannot show my grief to anyone, and tried to hide it even from myself.

And now for the happy conclusion:  God is in all of this somewhere.  Things will work out somehow.  For good.  He is there in the low, bad and terrible times as well as the lighthearted happy times.  He can be trusted with all of life and even death.

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2 Responses to “Christmas Is Yucky”

  1. lifeistheteacher Says:

    I’m so sorry this is the way December is going for you. Will be praying.

  2. Mindi Says:

    Thank you. That means the world to me right now.

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