The Very End And A New Sock Monkey

I had to take in my dog today and have him euthanized.  It was a very hard day.  I have three days off in a row.  This was number one.  I hope that the other two are better.  My mom moved from her home to a hospice house.  It has been a stressful few weeks.

If I study really ridiculously hard, and get a 93 on my final exam, I could still get an A and keep my 4.0 when applying for nursing school.  I don’t have that much energy or attention.  My house is dirty and not really decorated for Christmas.  I have not baked a single cookie.  I have wrapped nothing.  I have mailed nothing.

There is a can of expensive premium dog food in the fridge with just a little bit missing from it.  There is no one here to eat it.  A lot is missing for me right now.  I feel like I felt at the end of the only marathon I ever ran:  I am in pain and out of energy.  There is a lot of road ahead.  I need to somehow get it in gear.

I will be visiting my mom in a few weeks.  She lives in another state on the other side of the country.  If she is alive (She seems stable at the moment.), I will see her.  She does not want a funeral.  She is very strange and controlling in the name of love.  I will only be there for a few days.  I love my mom, but when she is gone, I will feel a sense of relief.  There has never been anyone in my life who has had as compelling a desire to try to continually manipulate my very existence by direct command, by lying, by offering bribes, by using approval as a carrot on the end of a stick or by guilt.

The anatomy and physiology class I have been taking has been killer.  Way too many facts presented to ever learn them all unless one has a photographic memory.  One person in my class has that.  Several are taking it for the second time, hoping for a better grade.  Two have spouses who are currently taking it or have recently taken it and are passing on answers and/or advice to them.  Can you tell that it is a bit competitive?  The truth is that I need to study really hard just to get a B out of the class.  The A is possible, but honestly, not likely.  You know, it seems wrong to devote myself to studying that hard when I should be grieving.  I can’t seem to really grieve either.  It is like my emotions are stuck looking over the cliff named Overwhelmed at the rocks in the surf below.  I can control very little in my life it seems, so I ought to do my best to study hard enough to not have to take this class ever again.

That’s the plan for Saturday anyway.  I plan to find a booth at Moxie Java and just hang out.  I bought myself a new little sock monkey today to cheer myself up.  Maybe I should take him with me as some kind of reminder or something.  I am not sure what.  God is sovereign and He is good.  I don’t know how that relates to sock monkeys, but there is comfort in both.


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