Hardness

How easy or how hard something will be is a difficult thing to judge.  I am crying today because I just left a church that I care about a great deal.  It doesn’t matter why I left, but I can tell you that it is tremendously difficult.  I didn’t burn any bridges; we are all still friends.  I can go back if I want. (I sat in my car in my garage and wept for a long time.) That is not an issue, but it is still very hard.

I was supposed to find out today if I got into nursing school or not.  They decided to send hard copies by snail mail instead.  They promised it would come today.  It didn’t come.  It is hard.

It looks like despite my best efforts that my mom is headed to a nursing home for her final time on earth.  She worked in a nursing home for years, and vowed she would never live in one.  (She said that she would die in her house.)  I can’t stop it. She is in another state.  It is hard.

Things I have said and done at various times in my life have affected people I care about in negative ways.  I cannot fix it.  It grieves me. I have tried to make things right.  It doesn’t always work that way.  It is hard.

I have a great deal to be thankful for.  There is no denying that.  It is Good Friday.  It is the day we celebrate the Lord Jesus Christ giving His all, suffering pain and humiliation which we deserved for us so that we can spend eternity in heaven with Him.

It is a good day to cry and feel grief and hardness and waiting and hopelessness for things I cannot fix or resolve.  My griefs are a small thing, nothing really, in comparison to what He did for me.  I am not really acquainted with His suffering.  I was never exalted above all in Heaven.  I did not leave it to come to earth and suffer the worst kind of punishment, pain, torture, humiliation and degradation like He did.  I am not really familiar with His suffering.  

The amazing, mind-blowing thing is that He completely understands and cares about mine.

 

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3 Responses to “Hardness”

  1. lifeistheteacher Says:

    I’m sorry 😦 LIfe is full of hardness. Leaving a church and trying to rebuild broken relationships are two of the biggest challenges, I think. Thank the Lord for his salvation.

  2. thegreatfish Says:

    Thank you. Even when we feel the most crushing emotions, He is our focus.

  3. Amy Says:

    Considering you are one who brings such joy to the life of others, I’m especially sad for the tears . . . but thankful for this post. What a lovely reminder . . .

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