Another Day Off

I spent my day off in my bathrobe until about 11:30, eventually showered and went out to lunch at my favorite pizza place with Aimee. After taking care of banking and postal things, I headed to the movie, The Boxtrolls, which I enjoyed very much. I am easily scared by evil characters, and this was no exception. (Spoiler Alert) I was glad that the bad person came to an untimely end, but I would have preferred that it would have happened sooner. For some reason, the evil person put the hero in a cage and that troubled me a great deal. There was also a traumatic brain injury at one point, and a crazy person, and it reminded me of work and I did not like to think about it.

I realized this evening that I had planned to make a bunch of Chex Mix for Ryan and cookies for Aimee, but I was too tired from my day of doing absolutely nothing of consequence, to do either one. I listened to my niece’s latest sermon on line, and cried.

I am dreading tomorrow because I have to be at a clinical at 6:30 a.m. My bag is not packed for lunch or supper or anything else. When it is over, I have to go work the evening shift at my real job. If pressed, I would have to say that dreading tomorrow is not something Jesus advised.

My favorite part of today other than 1. lunch with Aimee and 2. watching a kids’ movie in the afternoon at my favorite theater, was that this morning I spent a long time just being quiet and alone and reading. Somehow that seems soul-healing in a way I cannot explain. I read something in the Bible that I don’t think I had ever seen before now. I feel like I am kind of drowning spiritually right now, not living up to my own performance expectations and falling apart at inappropriate times, like crying when I am supposed to be giving a college presentation. I realize that my expectations of myself are not God devised, but rather my expectations, but nevertheless, I feel a great deal of disappointment in myself for my lack of spiritual momentum and fruitfulness. My attitudes toward church are so bad that I will not even mention them for fear of my words becoming daggers to someone out there in the blogosphere. I will just say that I hate church right now, all of them, and never want to step foot inside of another one. What I discovered in reading my Bible this morning was that David, who is always commended for having a heart after God, was commended by God for being a worshipper of God in the wilderness when none of his needs were being met. He worshipped anyway. That helped me. My lack of inner spiritual resource is not some kind of judgment or condemnation by God, but rather it is just a wilderness in which I find myself. I can choose to still worship or not, even though I feel a sense of lostness about me. That was freeing.

At night, I have started reading the collected short stories of Flannery O’Connor. I could not read them before my mom died. Now I can. They are very real to life and when real life is too hard to face, they are not what you want to be reading. That’s a funny thing to say about fiction. I rarely read fiction. I am far too picky. My ability to suspend my disbelief is just about non-existent when it comes to reading books. My inner hyper-book-critic has a loud and obnoxious voice.

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