Tiredness

Last night I succumbed to taking Nyquil and slept sitting up in the recliner with a vibrating heat pad and a box of Kleeenax. About 3 a.m. I moved to the bed and slept with no alarm. I woke up at 8 to hear my husband doing things in the kitchen. I don’t know about you, but this is always a Scary Thing at my house. One never knows what he will be doing there all in the Name of Help.

Although I looked like a combination of Death, Hell and three day old fast food, I went out and redirected him a bit. He eventually redirected me to take a shower and told me I would feel better if I did. He was right. I put the monkey bread in the oven. He cooked hash browns and bacon. We forgot the eggs. Ryan came over later and cooked the eggs for us. Aimee brought hors d’s, and we ate breakfast together. We also had apple cider, sparkling grape juice and Diet Pepsi.

It was nice. Then everyone left. I ran the dishwasher, washed a few other dishes and hid the pans I did not like in the hot soapy suds filled sink. They can live there until something grows on them.

I have lost my voice, but I feel better, so I will be going to work the evening shift tonight.

At this point, there are a lot of things in my life that I am stuck with and I am not dealing with those things very well. Last night, despite all the things I should be thankful for, I was honestly mad at God. Really mad. Really, really mad. Knock down drag out mad and telling God off.

My major beef with God was that I wanted a relationship with God, but what I seem to have is a religion with a bunch of rules for company. I seem to have lost my way, and not because I prefer Hillsong to hymns.

It occurred to me when I finished ranting and raving at God that perhaps my takeaway from this experience with God and God’s most stupid invention, the Church, is not the takeaway that God meant for me to have.

I miss my mom and I miss Dottie, my mentor who passed away. I have a plan. My plan involves not expecting anything good from any church because quite frankly, churches are factories of dysfunction by nature and require stuff from us but seldom give us anything helpful. They are a part of the system of rules that I am not handling well at this time. This is what I plan to do about church. I will mail them my tithes. If they want anything else, they will have to come and get it.

I plan to work on developing at least one new healthy Christian friendship in the next two months by inviting someone interesting to coffee, someone who does not attend my church, because socially, the church does not work for me.

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