The F Word

Failing. I think I am failing school.

I read a book. I wrote the power point book review and turned it in and responded the requisite number of times on the discussion board. Pretty sure I am failing. Everything I turn in is late. I have not even looked at the requirements for my other two classes. This has never happened to me before. I have tomorrow off from work, and then I have three (twelve hour) night shifts in three days, one day off, and then three (twelve hour) night shifts in three days again.

I do not think that I am not in a position to catch up. One day of really hitting it is probably not going to make up for how far behind I am. I also lack ambition. I am tired. I do not want to spend my day off doing boring homework.

May God have mercy on my horrible, unrepentant, whining soul.

The only other time in my life in which I got an F was in high school. My other bad grade was a D. I think I got them both the same semester. One was in typing because I looked at my hands too many times on a timed test. The other was in gym because I missed too many showers. In the end, neither mattered. They were not my final grades; they were just six week grades. Today I can type and shower all that I need to in order to survive in American culture. I even held a job as a typist at the regional headquarters of a nationally known insurance company. Of course, they only required 30 wpm as I remember.

I am not sure how this will turn out. I used to think that maybe if like 8,000 people prayed for me that somehow the yucky parts of my life like this would turn around miraculously. I do not have 8,000 friends who pray fervently. James points out that it only takes one fervent praying person to do an awful lot of good. Or maybe, if I just had an attitude change and turned into one of those wonderful people who does not ever get burned out or need time off or want to quit, then this would be a non issue.

I do not have words for how tired I am at this moment.

Over the weekend, I somehow hurt my knee and could not run or do the stairs and pretty much needed handicap rails to get off the toilet. Tonight I could climb the stairs with either leg, but I have not started running again yet. I am in a race in about two weeks.

Also, the plumbing is stopped up. We will not be getting a plumber in here to fix it until Thursday.

On the plus side, when I cannot get to sleep at night, which is pretty much every night when I am not working nights because my body is getting trained to stay up all night, I am reading. My current book is Quiet. (I just finished I Am Malala, also worth reading.) I bought this book with a generous graduation book card gift from one of my many friends (not quite 8,000, and you know that they do not all pray). I thought I might resent this book completely because I sometimes find social media memes about introverts to be tiresome. At different points in my life, I have wanted introverts simply to get over it and to get it together. Then, the unthinkable happened. I started turning into an introvert. Scary, I know. When I asked someone I considered knowledgeable about it, she replied, “Don’t worry about it. Just go with it.”

That alleviated my initial horror of being Jekyll and Hyde. Looking back, I think that some of the transition was from always getting in trouble in nursing school for being an extrovert. Seriously. Aimee’s best advice was, “Mom, just keep your head down and get through it.”  She was right. Don’t stand out. Don’t comment. Endure it and get out. Eventually all of that enduring seemed to change my personality. I am the person who used to drive me bonkers.

One positive is that introverts do not get in trouble as much. Unless they look at their hands when they are typing or don’t take enough showers in gym class or don’t turn in their book reviews or anything else on time.

I feel like I am riding the fail train right over the cliff this time. I should probably take a Thunder Mountain type selfie. No, that is not what an introvert would do. An introvert would just write, “Here I am. I am failing. It is not the end of the world.”


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